Simple Ways to Sleep a Lot Better at Night

(photo courtesy flickr user Kevin Hutchinson)

If you sleep like a baby – meaning you wake up crying every two hours – forget the Ambien and warm milk. Take steps to eliminate the stress and anxiety that keeps you awake.

Try a few of these:

1. Step back from one thing you really care about... but have no ability to impact.

For some people it's politics. For others it's family. For others it's global warming. You care -- and you desperately want others to care.

Fine. Do what you can: Vote. Lend a listening ear. Recycle and reduce your carbon footprint. Do what you can do. Be your own change… but don't try to make everyone else change.

They won't – unless they decide to on their own.

2. Stay out of other people's business.

Help. Offer guidance. Encourage. Motivate.

But don't gossip. Don't get mixed up in politics. It always ends badly. Never put yourself in a position where you're worried that Phil will tell Allen you said something snarky about Stu and... (yeah, it’s a “Hangover” reference.)

3. Set up automatic warning systems.

The larger your scope of responsibility – professional or personal – the more you have to worry about. Your list of concerns is endless. You're always on edge, especially at night. So you check your email. You text and call to make sure everything is OK.

The fear of the unknown drives you crazy.

Instead of worrying about what you don't know, make sure you do know. Decide what you need to know when and set up systems to support you. Let your employees know what constitutes an emergency -- and, just as importantly, what doesn't. Create automated systems that notify you of problems.

A friend runs a 1,200-employee manufacturing plant. He has a separate phone for emergencies: Employees call that phone or send emails to emergency@. He turns off his regular phone at night and sleeps soundly, because he knows if something happens, he'll know. He won't have to check.

Determine what you need to know and create systems to ensure you will know. Then you won't have to waste time and energy worrying about the unknown.

4. Be grateful for criticism.

When you get feedback, at least someone cares enough to want you to improve: Your product, your service, your work, your life…. You only need to worry when no one cares enough to criticize you.

Criticism creates an opportunity. Embrace that opportunity.

5. Write it all down.

David Allen, the author of Getting Things Done, told me this:

Most people try to use their psyche as their systemic process, which means issues gain importance based on your emotions. I've never met anyone who said they didn't feel a little better if they sat down and made a list. Nothing changes when you write things down except how you engage with your issues: You can be objective and also be creative and intuitive.

Your head is for having ideas, not holding ideas, and it's certainly not for filing things away. Without exception you will feel better if you get stuff out of your head.

Try it. Write down your challenges. List your problems or concerns.

I bet you'll start to feel better right away. You'll realize things aren't as bad as you think. You'll also start to figure out ways to make things better -- because now you won't worry passively. You'll actively solve your problems.

6. Lay off the conspiracy theories.

No one is out to get you. Even if people are, they're really not the problem – most of us do a better job sabotaging ourselves than someone else ever could. Besides, you can't control what other people might do.

But you can control what you will do.

7. Reduce the number of judgment calls.

The more prepared you are to handle a situation, the easier it is to be objective -- and to avoid stressing out later over whether or not you made the wrong call.

Create price lists that take into account unusual requests. Set up guidelines for responding to customer complaints. Create employee policies for objective areas like attendance, quality, and performance. Decide what you will and will not allow your kids to do before they start asking.

Think about situations you struggle with and decide what you will do before those situations get stressful or confrontational. Then you can make better decisions and greatly reduce your level of stress… and regret.

8. Create a cutoff time...

Yeah, I know, you consider yourself a 24/7 go-getter. But that's impossible. Decide what time you'll stop working each day, no matter what.

And if stopping makes you feel guilty?

9. ...Then create a plan for tomorrow.

Write down what you need to do first thing tomorrow. You'll rest easier knowing you have a plan to take care of what you didn't get done today.

10. Spend a few minutes every day getting better at something else.

It doesn't matter what you pick. Just make sure it's not business: A musical instrument. A foreign language. A hobby. Whatever it is, spend a little time on it. Get a little better.

Step outside your daily grind and do something for yourself.

In the process, you'll gain a little perspective. Perspective soothes the soul.

11. Count your blessings.

Take a second before you turn out the light. In that moment, quit worrying about what you don't have. Quit worrying about what others have that you don't.

Think about what you do have.

Thought so. You have a lot to be thankful for.

Feels pretty good, doesn't it? Feeling better about yourself is the best sleeping pill of all.

found here http://www.linkedin.com/today/post/article/20131031120051-20017018-simple-ways-to-sleep-a-lot-better-at-night

8 Strategies to Complain Your Way Into a Happier Relationship

There was a time back in the early days of my now nearly 30-year marriage when a hand-written sign hung over our toilet. It read as follows: "Please remember to put the seat down or [cover your ears, kids] I may be forced to kill you." Yikes. If memory serves, I believe I signed it, "your loving wife." Not the proudest moment in my marriage, nor my best literary work, but it did the trick. My husband, rather than being offended (or worried), chuckled every time he saw the note -- and, importantly, put the seat down. I felt bad that our gentle-hearted nanny had to witness that whole scene from our marriage. But the fact is that couples therapists might have given me high scores for my off-color antics -- why?

Because complaining is good for your relationship.

Not about every little thing, but when it comes to the things that matter to you (like not wanting to fall into the toilet when it's pitch dark at 2:00 a.m. and you've really got to go), complain! The reason is this: Not complaining and, instead, letting those concerns build up could do more harm than good. The longer you wait, the bigger the problem gets, and the more irrational you become. When you finally explode, and you will, chances are that your complaint won't come out with a cute (however rough around the edges) note. It will be war.

So complaining is good, but it has to be done right.

Researchers distinguish between complaints and criticisms. Complaints are specific concerns about what a person is doing, whereas criticisms are global attacks on why on earth they would ever be doing it.
Shifting from toilet seats to the perennial toothpaste-tube squeezing preferences, a good complaint sounds like this: "Honey, it makes me crazy to see the toothpaste squeezed in the middle because then it will be hard to use it all -- and you know how I'm thrifty. So can you please remember to start from the end?"
Whereas a criticism sounds like this: "I've told you about the toothpaste 100 times! What is your problem? You never listen to me! You're such a slob! Nothing matters to you except your stupid football games! Well I could care less about that!"

We don't have to put on our thinking caps to know which approach gets better results. When you complain, you have a win-win: Your partner gets to be the hero just by not squeezing the middle of the tube, and everyone's happy. When you criticize, you're left with shame and blame. Who would want to touch that with a 10-foot pole? And what even happened to the toothpaste tube issue? Lost in the rapid-fire attack. No wonder the other person never listens. They're too busy running for cover.

Now you may be thinking, why should I work to tailor my complaints about my partner if he (or she) is the one who is doing something wrong (and has been doing it wrong for a long, long time)?
Which gets to the final point: What is your desired effect? Is it to improve your relationship or to make your partner feel bad or corrected? You have to want change more than justice or revenge. When you are ready to make things better -- for both of you -- then, and only then, is it time to dive in. Here are eight ways to be most effective when you do:

1. Be Specific
It's not about everything your partner does wrong, it's about this one thing.
Don't do the rapid-fire attack, this isn't character assassination 101; stick with the one thing that is bothering you most right now and leave your partner's character intact (remember, you love that part).
2. Keep It Current
Stick with the present.
Do you keep magazines on your coffee table from five or 10 or 20 years ago? Of course not, those are old issues. Exactly.
3. Be A Newscaster
Don't judge, report.
Only the facts, please. Once you start making judgments, not only might you misjudge the "why" behind the behavior, but even if you're a little bit right when you say someone is lazy or inattentive -- it's highly unlikely that it will bring the kind of change you're after.
4. Avoid The Absolutes Of "Always" And "Never"
You never help! You always duck out when there's work to be done! We're not going to rush right up to the counter and claim those attributes. Don't generalize; focus on the present: "I need your help with the groceries now."
5. Know Your Rights
As much as the world would be a more perfect place if this were true, we aren't entitled to our partners being mind-reading geniuses who live for our every need. And we aren't entitled to demand someone do something our way just because (we think) it's better or right. We are, however, entitled to ask. It's different. Don't go in assuming that your way is the only right way. Explain why something matters to you. Logic, delivered calmly, often prevails.
6. Be Kind (And Use Humor) Whenever Possible
Levity is another word for generosity. You are literally sharing a laugh. It might take an extra second to find the humor in a situation, but given the momentum and good will it creates, it's a great time-saver in the end.
7. Use Compassion To De-Criminalize The Offense And maybe even let it go.
Is there a method to your partner's madness? Does it drive you crazy how long he takes to choose a date-night restaurant? Challenge yourself to find a good reason why. Is he so dedicated to your happiness that he doesn't want to disappoint you? Too hard on himself? Hardly a crime. Accepting that, you may switch gears and seize the opportunity to read or do your nails while you're waiting, but if you decide you want him to be less thorough (i.e., faster), you'll go into that discussion with an open heart rather than an attack weapon.
8. Make Requests, Not Demands And get the handshake.
How do you avoid becoming a nag? Don't lecture or make demands. That allows the other party to be passive and just hope you finish soon. Instead: make an agreement. An agreement takes two and starts with a conversation: "I'd like help with the dishes. Can you do that? When? Do you want my help remembering? Is there something else you'd rather do instead to pitch in?" Without a two-way conversation, there is no commitment and no accountability. Don't think high emotional confrontation; think business meeting. Consequences if agreements are broken? Sure, if you like. But the biggest consequence is weakening your relationship; if you're going to do business or anything else together, follow-through is a must.

After 27 years of marriage, my husband and I have had our fair share of toilet seat lid and toothpaste-tube discussions. But make no mistake. This is how we got here. Underneath these deceptively small details is the real deal. The motherlode. These complaints are really about respect: Can you respect my preferences even if (or especially if) they don't matter to you? Respect is at the foundation of any relationship that is going to work, so the most fulfilling relationships are built on the brick and mortar of these ground-level concerns. No matter how lofty your aspirations in your relationship -- no foundation, no go.
So next time you are unhappy with something in your relationship -- pause and see the opportunity for these little complaints to do their work for you, or else... I may... be forced to... No, no, no... just kidding! You'll see just how much stronger your relationship becomes.



For more by Tamar Chansky, click here.


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Tamar Chansky: 8 Strategies to Complain Your Way Into a Happier Relationship